Sa murang edad na limang taong gulang ay may agam-agam na si Jake Zyrus, 29, sa kanyang sexual orientation.

Bago siya naghayag na siya ay isang transgender man, unang nakilala si Jake bilang international singing sensation na si Charice Pempengco.

Wala pa raw siyang konsepto ng kasarian ay ramdam na niyang lalaki ang tingin niya sa sarili.

Balik-tanaw ni Jake: “I remember my classmates tinutukso ako sa isang classmate ko na lalaki.

“And this one thing in my mind, ‘Bakit? E, pareho kami.’

“At five years old, that was my thought. Obviously I didn’t know any labels so I don’t understand.”

Noong June 30, nakapanayam si Charice ni Toni Gonzaga sa online show ng huli na Toni Talks.

Sinabi pa rito ni Jake na tandang-tanda niyang babae ang crush niya noong siya ay Grade 1.

At kapag nakikipaglaro raw siya sa kapatid niyang lalaki, masaya siya sa role-playing nila kunsaan siya ay umaaktong bodyguard nito na ang pangalan ay “Jeric.”

Noon pa lang ay lumikha na raw iyon ng gulo sa isipan ni Jake.

“I would look at the mirror, sabi ko, ‘This is weird. Why am I feeling this way?’ And I’m seeing someone different. Growing up, that has always been my struggle.”

INTERNAL STRUGGLES WHEN SHE WAS STILL KNOWN AS CHARICE

Pero maraming taon ang lilipas na pilit na itatago ni Jake ang kanyang tunay na nararamdaman.

Teenager si Jake, na noo’y kilala bilang Charice, nang makamit niya ang big break sa international scene na pinapangarap lamang ng iba.

Sunud-sunod ang guest appearances ni Charice sa The Ellen DeGeneres Show at The Oprah Winfrey Show.

Pinakilala rin siya ni Oprah sa Canadian musician-record producer na si David Forster, at ito ang nagbigay sa kanya ng oportunidad na magtanghal sa concerts nito.

Pero kasabay ng kasikatan ay nahirapan si Jake na takpan ang kumakawala niyang pagnanais na magpakatotoo sa sarili.

Habang ang mga nakapaligid sa kanya ay gusto siyang gawing next female pop star.

Kuwento ni Jake, “I remember standing in front of the mirror, all these people around me, showing me photos of Selena Gomez, Demi Lovato…

“They were telling me that, ‘Oh, you can be like this. You gotta do this.’

“The pressure of you fitting in was hard. A lot of people thought [when] you get there [it’s all] hearts and flowers.”

Bilang teenager noon, nakadagdag pa raw sa hirap ng kalooban niya ang panghuhusga sa kanya sa social media.

Binabatikos siya ng netizens dahil hindi siya marunong mag-Ingles, at minsan ay binansagan daw siyang “patay-gutom” dahil sa isang insidenteng nakunan siya ng video na mabilis na kumakain.

CHARICE’S DARK MOMENTS

Nagpatung-patong ang insecurities at doubts sa isip ni Jake hanggang sa magkaroon siya ng depression.

Umabot sa puntong sinaktan daw niya ang sarili.

Pag-amin ni Jake kay Toni, “I tried to kill myself three times. I was 18 or 19 at the time. Because nasa isip ko, kapag nag-come out ako, it’s over.

“Ang nasa isip ko was other people, fear of [not being accepted]…

“I didn’t want to disappoint people. I didn’t want to disappoint David. I didn’t want to disappoint my mother.”

Hangga’t maaari ay ayaw raw niyang sayangin ang once-in-a-lifetime opportunity na ibinigay ng mga taong nagtiwala sa kanya.

“I did not want to sound ungrateful. I did not want people to feel, ‘Grabe naman. Nasa kanya na lahat.

“From the beginning of nung na-discover ako, even before that, way before Little Big Star, it has always been there.

“The struggle and pain of hiding yourself before I came out, at the very end, I was like, ‘No, no, no, no!’”

Pakiramdam niya ay naiipit siya at wala na siyang ibang option.

Dagdag niya, “Lahat yun naipon sa utak ko. Hindi ko na ma-handle.

“The first two times I tried it, I remember waking up in the hospital being upset. I remember talking to God and asking, ‘Why?’”

Hindi raw siya talaga nakapag-isip nang tama.

“And I wanna tell you, the moment when you feel like you wanna kill yourself, it’s scary because you can’t feel pain at all.

“Because your heart and mind is decided. It’s not something you wanna be in. It’s a very dark place…

“It’s a very, very bad place to be [in]. The moment you feel that, parang you don’t see anything else anymore. You don’t feel anything else anymore.”

DAVID FOSTER ACKNOWLEDGES CHARICE’S CRY FOR HELP

Ayon kay Jake, si David Foster ang isa sa mga unang nakatunog sa kanyang itinatagong sexual orientation.

“The last time I did it, I remember waking up at the hospital and David was there. And we have a show that night.

“I remember when I woke up, it was morning, I was in Singapore, and he was the first person I see there.

“He was like, ‘Are you okay? Do you think you can perform? You don’t have to.’”

Lahad pa ni Jake: “I remember looking at him and talagang worried siya and he knew why.

“We were not talking na super personal. But definitely he was one of the first few people na nakaalam. He knew I was having a hard time.

“Nakahiga pa rin ako sa bed, and I told him, ‘Nope, I’m gonna perform.’”

Hindi kinailangan ni Jake magpaliwanag kay David, pero ito raw ang unang kumilala sa kanyang pagnanais na magpakatotoo.

“I remember just a small gesture from him. Sabi niya, ‘You know what, for tonight, you don’t have to wear a dress.’

“That day, I went out. I was wearing pants and sneakers. Braided hair and all that.

“That was the first time that they let me wear something like that, and it was a big deal for me. I was very comfortable.”

Wala raw lumabas na impormasyon kung bakit siya naospital noon.

“When the last one happened, I remembered some people saw me sa lobby, wheel-chaired. And I think the news that came out was I had food poisoning,” ani Charice.

TRANSFORMATION FROM LESBIAN TO TRANSGENDER MAN

June 2013, 21 years old si Charice, nang una siyang umamin na siya ay lesbian.

Inihayag niya ito sa defunct ABS-CBN showbiz-oriented talk show na The Buzz.

Ilan sa mga pisikal na pagbabago noon kay Charice ay maiksi na ang kanyang buhok at nakasuot na siya ng panlalaking damit.

“Opo, tomboy po ako,” sabi noon ni Charice.

Pero hindi sapat ang pag-amin niyang iyon dahil marami pa raw siyang itinatago sa sarili.

“Hindi ko na kaya lumabas ng bahay or magtrabaho na alam kong nag-come out nga ako, but again, it still felt like I was betraying myself.

“Because it’s like I came out as a lesbian because parang naisip ko lang na ito yung maiintindihan ng mga tao.

“Again, pag may itinatago ka sa sarili mo, napupuno ka.”

Ang tuluyang pagpapalaya ni Jake sa sarili ay noong March 29, 2017—ang araw na sumailalim siya sa top surgery.

Sa sobrang saya niya ay tila kaarawan daw niya iyon.

Noong June 19, 2017, pinalitan niya ang pangalang Charice at ginawang Jake Zyrus sa kanyang social media accounts.

“JUST BE KIND TO ME.”

Madali raw para kay Jake ang mga pisikal na pagbabago sa kanyang katawan pati na ang pagsailalim niya sa hormone change.

Mas mahirap daw ang panghuhusga ng ibang tao, pero naiintindihan daw niya kung hindi man siya tanggapin bilang transgender man.

Ang tanging hiling daw niya, “If you don’t understand me, maybe just be kind to me.”

Sa huli, sinabi ni Jake na ang pagbabalik-loob niya sa Diyos ang nakapuno ng hinahanap niyang pagtanggap sa kung sino siya.

Dire-diretsong paliwanag niya: “Because I remember, also before that, being away, being in a dark place. I lost my dad. I lost a lot of people in my life.

“I was telling myself, ‘I’m gonna stay away from praying. I don’t think that’s for me.’ People making me feel that I don’t belong here, na hindi ako pwede magdasal…”

“I think ang talagang nag-fix ng lahat was the love from God. When I experienced all those struggles, I became closer to God.

“I feel, like, God told me that you can’t let anybody stop you or not give you any access to me.

“Dun ko na-realize na whoever you are, you are not gonna take away my access to God.”